The Relief of My Own Insufficiency

I like to take care of business. I like a tidy house, a menu plan and a schedule. More than all those things, I like the sense of capability and satisfaction they give me. They say, “I’ve got this covered.” They say, “I’m a good wife, mother, friend.” They say, “See?  I am worthy of love and attention.”  I’ve always been a “good girl,” and often, it works.

Except of course, when it doesn’t.

When brokenness runs through a lifelong relationship like veins in marble, and weariness in it runs deeper still. When an illness in the family leaves hands empty and helpless. When these things press in and my calendars and lists and shiny floors show their impermanence and fragility.

Sometimes this produces panic in me–  but lately, it is more like relief. I don’t have all the strength needed, the energy needed, the creativity needed, the grace needed, the courage needed, for these days, for this life.

But my Maker does. He has grace enough, love enough, mercy enough, and I can lean back into Him and rest and pray and be. My not-enoughness becomes invitation and gift. And in experiencing His grace, I can see more clearly other truths in my life. My husband and boys don’t love me because of what I do for them, they just want me to be here when they come home. They love me for me, and that understanding transforms the things I do for them back into blessing, rather than some misguided barter on my part.

 

My breakfast room faces east, and sometimes I come in to find that I have left the pendant lights on from our dim early breakfast, long after the sun has come blazing over the sill. The light bulbs look dim and faded in a room blazing with golden morning.  In the presence of God, my little puppet ways of proving my worth fade into the wonder of being His beloved child.

 

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4 thoughts on “The Relief of My Own Insufficiency

  1. Kristin Blankenship

    Thank you for another beautiful post, Missy. I, too, find that when circumstances force me to give-up the routines and expectations that make me feel “in control,” I am humbled before the Lord as He brings me closer to Him in conversation and dependency. I struggle, at times, to be present when my nature compels me to complete just one more task. These tendencies have become more evident since having children, as both Ben and Emma crave lots of quality time and will settle for nothing less!

    Reply
  2. Kristin Blankenship

    And yes, I recently walked through a period of feeling like I am not “enough” for my family. The beauty I discovered in the struggle, was, as you wrote, that I don’t have to do it all on my own. God is good.

    Reply
  3. Beth

    I feel so unworthy so many times! I struggle with the ‘to do list’ mentality. I think in order to be “successful” at the end of the day, I must finish EVERYthing! And then when I lie down at night, guilt comes b/c I wonder if I accomplished the most important things instead of those things that have no eternal value! I have really been soaking up the true meaning of grace, and it has been a sort of freedom for me. Not to say that I shouldn’t strive for a closer walk with my Lord everyday, but that I don’t have to be perfect for Him. His love for me is not a performance based love! If it was, why would he have died for me!?!!! Love your blog~

    Reply
  4. LLH Designs

    What a beautiful post. I was drawn in by your title (saw it in the comment section of Emily’s blog). I hated my insufficiency for so long, but am embracing it now. More of God, less of me!

    Blessings to you…from one dependent child of the King to another!
    Linsey

    Reply

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